


Hamilton as Quotes from The Office

by Alicorn8210



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, The Office (US)
Genre: Gen, chapters, quotes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:28:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25758112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alicorn8210/pseuds/Alicorn8210
Summary: Because I have no life and I am absolutely fine with that.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title says it all. Enjoy!

King George: Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy: both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

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*During the Election of 1800*

Burr: I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before: try.

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Jefferson: Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors.

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Laurens: Today, smoking is gonna save lives.

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Eliza: Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. He treated me poorly, we didn’t connect; I was miserable. Now I am in the best relationship of my life with the same man. Love is a mystery.

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Hamilton: I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working.

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*After the Reynolds Pamphlet is published*

Eliza: You cheated on me?! When I specifically asked you not to?!

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Lafayette: OK, too many words coming at me from too many different sentences.

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*When young Alexander arrives in NYC*

Hamilton: Here it is, heart of New York City: Times Square...named for the good times you have when you’re in it.

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Hamilton: You wanna hear a lie?

Jefferson: What?

Hamilton: I...think you’re great. You’re my best friend.

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Peggy: I thought you’re not supposed to wear white to a wedding.

Angelica: I know, but there was an emergency. I look really good in white.

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Mulligan: Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.

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Burr: Who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of a game is that?

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Maria: I mean, I’m not a slut, but who knows?

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Eliza: There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?

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Hamilton: Burr, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who’s gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Theodosia, Burr. I think you always have.

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Hamilton: I know you saw me with Mrs. Reynolds. I think I’m in love, possibly for the first time. So yes: Mrs. Maria Reynolds and I are having an affair. I hope that I can count on your sensitivity, maturity, and discretion.

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Washington: Sometimes I feel like everyone I work with is an idiot. And by sometimes, I mean all times. All the times. Every of the times!

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Hamilton: I’m in love with Eliza Schuyler. And I don’t know how I’m gonna feel tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but I do know that right here, right now, all I can think about is spending the rest of my life with her. Again, that could change.

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Eliza: Maybe we weren’t right together, but...it’s weird. I’d rather he be alone than with somebody. Is that love?

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Washington: Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of painkillers, drank a bottle of wine, took my pants off. I just feel good.

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Hamilton: Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for.

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Jefferson: Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.

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Burr: I’d like to make a toast to the troops. All the troops. Both sides.

Hamilton: That’s weird.

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*When Hamilton is Washington’s aide-de-camp*

Washington: That is very cold.

Hamilton: Yeah, that’s old. I asked if you wanted a cold beverage, and you said coffee.

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Mulligan: My future isn’t going to be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It’s going to be determined by two big black balls.

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Hamilton: Sometimes I’ll start a sentence, and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.

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Mulligan: I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.

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Madison: I normally don’t enjoy making people laugh.

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Washington: It’s true. Around this office in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people. But the doctor said if I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die.

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*When people ask Hamilton why Washington chose him as his right-hand man*

Hamilton: Look, it doesn’t take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead: name a country that doesn’t have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?

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Lafayette: The worst thing about prison was the dementors.

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Jefferson: Oh, I don’t think it’s blackmail. Hamilton just does what I ask him to do so I won’t tell everyone that he’s cheating on Eliza with Maria. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.

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Jefferson: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? Hamilton is like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because Washington is making you.

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Hamilton: I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are more. Enjoy!

Mulligan: I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

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Jefferson: Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.

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Peggy: I wonder what people like about me. Probably my jugs.

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Laurens: Oh, you’re paying way too much for worms. Who’s your worm guy?

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*Burr to Hamilton in “Your Obedient Servant”*

Burr: Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.

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Hamilton: I’m guessing Jefferson is the one in the neighborhood that gives the trick-or-treaters toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts.

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Jefferson: If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.

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Madison: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I’d ever been here. And I’d forget, too.

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Eliza: When you’re a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.

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Jefferson: Madison just drank OJ out of my mug and didn’t seem to realize that it wasn’t his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked: is there no limit to what he won’t notice?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Featuring a lot of Hamilton and also a lot of Hamilton as Michael Scott because A. I can't decide on quotes for other characters, and B. Hamilton is literally Michael Scott and no one can convince me otherwise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Read the summary. Enjoy!

Hamilton: Jefferson, you ignorant slut!

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Angelica: Your body is a temple. You have to respect it. You can’t just whore it out.

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*Burr in Act Two*

Burr: I have decided that I’m going to be more honest. I’m gonna start telling people what I want, directly. So, look out world, ‘cuz ole Burrger is gettin’ what he wants. And don’t call me Burrger.

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Hamilton: I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage, because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.

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Burr: There are always a million reasons not to do something.

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Hamilton: Washington is leaving. And apparently they’ve already elected a new President. And we’re meeting him today. It’s a lot to process. Paperwork-wise.

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Philip: I’m fast. To give you a reference point, I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.

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Hamilton: Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.

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Jefferson: Every so often, Madison dies of boredom.

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Hamilton to Jefferson: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun, or exciting, you make it…not that way. I hate…so much about the things that you choose to be.

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*When Washington leaves*

Hamilton: I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.

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Hamilton: I live by one rule: No office romances. No way. Very messy, inappropriate…no. But I live by another rule: Just do it…Nike.

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Hamilton: I’m not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than I did when I was 30.

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Hamilton: Jefferson is my enemy. But it turns out that Jefferson is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jefferson is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy, so actually Jefferson is my enemy.

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Madison: I work hard all day. I like knowing that there’s going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.

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Hamilton: Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

Jefferson to Hamilton: Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout.

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Jefferson: There’s too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.

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Hamilton: I...declare...BANKRUPTCY!

Washington: I just wanted you to know that you can’t just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.

Hamilton: I didn’t say it. I declared it.

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*When Burr challenged Hamilton to a duel*

Burr: I want you to think about it long and hard.

Hamilton: That’s what she said.

Burr: Don’t. Don’t you dare.

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Hamilton to Maria: You don’t know me. You’ve just seen my penis.

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Hamilton: If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Jefferson, I would shoot Jefferson twice.

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Jefferson: When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

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*When the Reynolds Pamphlet gets published*

Eliza: I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?

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Mulligan: I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.

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Washington (referring to Hamilton, Jefferson, Madison, and Burr): This is “parkour”, the internet sensation of 2004. It was in one of the Bond films. It’s pretty impressive. The point is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible, so technically they are doing parkour as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.

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Mulligan: The British Army is the worst. Great heroin, though.

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Burr (and pretty much everyone, including the audience) to Hamilton: How are you not murdered every hour?

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*Hamilton to Eliza after Philip dies*

Hamilton: I don’t want any special treatment, Eliza. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who’s undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

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*Burr’s justification for dueling (and killing) Hamilton*

Burr: It’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally than by a stranger on purpose.

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Jefferson: I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
